neexola

I would put myself in a relationship with a certain boy, or at least have him know that I exist. That's all.

And I would like to drive.

From the day that I first set eyes on him, I have been hopelessly in love with Spike, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. While most girls find the likes of Edward Cullen attractive, I prefer my vampires with washboard abs, and the face of a real Adonis: James fucking Marsters. Plus, I think that out of any of the characters on the show, Spike is one of the most interesting, with a complicated past and an intricate personalities ever. He comes so far from the first season, when we're first introduced to him, from those last few words which he tells Buffy in the series finale. Everything about him is just... perfect.

I love him, and I don't think I'll ever be able to settle for anyone less than him, or someone just like him. Is that weird?

Story One: Rosalind and Samuel - vampires.
Under The Gun – The Killers

Rose couldn’t stand it anymore. She was tired of pretending like she didn’t care, tired of pretending like she had some meaning in her life. She didn’t. Rose had absolutely nothing to do with her life anymore, not since her heart had stopped beating. Not since he’d killed her, not since they’d decided to be together for eternity.

Sam wanted her to stay, needed her to stay. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else, and they’d gone through so much. After so much together, how could she just leave him? How could she just want to disappear like that, how could she just die? Especially when they had so much more time to live, when that was all he wanted to do? All he wanted was her and to live. She didn’t want him, and she didn’t want to live. He wasn’t sure which hurt more. The fact that she was going to kill herself, or find someone else to do it, or that she didn’t want to love him anymore.

“You can kill me now.”

I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you.

Love finds you, right?

It's 3:03 in the morning on the West Coast.
I don't want to be here anymore.

I want to be a baker and an author and a journalist.
I want to marry a man who is a movie buff, likes to read, enjoys good music, fine food, fine art, dessert, and doesn't mind that I'll probably spend more time on the computer than I will watching movies or doing date-stuff with him. I want to marry somebody who can make pies.
I'd like to own a bakery one day. Or a cafe.
Perhaps a cafe that makes delicious baked goods

It's 3:05 in the morning.
I'm waiting to break out of my shell.
I'd like to eat some food, my stomach has been grumbling for hours.
But it's not healthy to eat this late, is it?
"But it's not late at all," says the owl, "it's early in my book."

Shut down.

Put your music player on shuffle and get the first few lines of each (25) songs. Have your friends guess what the songs are. :)

1] I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

2] Before I could ever let you go, gonna beg until I drive you mad.

3] It's all the treasures that shine in the street, as we drive right over them.

4] Da-da-da-da-da (2x); I was thinking to myself when you passed me by, "here's what I like".

5] So what's that saying again, "they're only words, and words can't kill me"?

6] Keep our money makin', gotta save it for a rainy day.

7] And when I see you, I really see you upside-down.

8] Girlfriend, now. I have a girlfriend now! No way, no how, I get a girlfriend now?

9] One song, about a girl. Can't breathe when she's around.

10] Exploding international, the scenes, the sounds.

11] When there's no where else to run, is there room for one more song.

12] Well I took a walk around the world to easy my troubled mind.

13] When we were talking together, I said what's up with this weather?

14] HERE WE GO! The tide rolls by, and I wonder why, I felt inclined to try.

15] Dancing where the stars go blue.

16] Hey, the world is ending, don't you even know?

17] She woke from a dream, her head was on fire. Why was he so nervous?

18] Facetiously fiction when Albright was bitten when kissing the girl of his dreams on the lips.

19] When I watch you, wanna do you, right where your standing.

20] There is no world wrapping me up, I've got a view from the valley.

21] There's blood in my mouth, 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

22] So so so scandalous!

23] I watch the proverbial sunrise, coming up over the pacific end.

24] I never had to say goodbye, you must've known I wouldn't stay.

25] Maybe when the room is empty, maybe when the bottles full, maybe when the door gets broke down, love can begin.

Good morning darling,
I've been waiting for you.
Good morning darling,
Oh, don't you go running too.
Sure, we may not fit like puzzle pieces,
In a thousand piece jigsaw.
And sure we might not get together
Like the wizard and the wand!

But whenever I sit outside your door,
wondering when you're coming home
I always think 'what a grand sight it'd be'
If I saw you, loving me.

I'm not really sure
Why whenever I come around
You're running in the opposite direction
But I guess I'll have to deal
And just wait till you come around too.
I won't lie, I've been feeling
A little bit taken for granted
And even though that fish tank in your flat is dirty
I'll clean it if you want.

But whenever I sit outside your door,
wondering when you're coming home
I always think 'what a grand sight it'd be'
If I saw you, loving me. (x2)

Lovin' me, lovin' you,
I guess it's a thing we'll never get to
But you loving me and me loving you
I think we go together like peanuts and salmonella
In a good way of course
I'd be the salmonella and you'd be the nuts
And together we'd make everybody sick with happiness.

This song was written by me, for my character Blaire Hansen on JACFC (Just Another Chocolate Frog Card), and about how she loves Zander Sterling (copyright to Cell/Linsey Loader), who is a germ-o-phobe cute boy. And he doesn't love her baaaaaack. D:

You're always so straightforward with your songs. Albeit the fact that many of them have deeper meanings than a lot of us listeners can tell the first few times around, you've always been that artist that I connect with easier because of the fact that you're... you. If you weren't you, if you didn't have the things going on in your life that you do, and if you didn't have the qualms and problems that you have, I still know that you'd always be that musician that I would've connected with the most.

I feel like you know me better than most people... and you've got no idea I exist.
It's cool, though. It makes the relationship more interesting on my end.

Love always,
Your indebted fan.

A story about a time. A story about a place. A story about the people. But above all, a story about love.

The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.

I’ve got no scapegoat
I’ve got no lover
I’ve got no friends
Ain’t got no mother
I’m stuck in this world
I’m totally alone
I don’t mind though

(Start: Chorus)
I keep losing myself
And I ain’t got no one to blame
I keep losing myself
Too much noise I’m going insane
I keep losing myself
Got no hook, line, not even a sinker
I keep losing myself
And now I’m stuck in my head
(End: Chorus)

I watch youtube videos
Try’n to forget about you
I watch youtube videos
Too bad they all can’t be true
The covers of these songs,
So much better than the originals
Makes me wonder what we were thinking
When we wrote ‘em in the first place
Only to be sung at best by strangers

(Chorus)

I’ve got a pair of knock knees
And some rotty old jeans
My hair’s all a mess
I can’t fit into my dress
And now I’m stuck and ready for it
I’m stuck and ready for it
I’m stuck and ready for it
I’m ready for your arrival
I’m stuck and ready for it.

(Chorus)
Now I’m stuck in my head.
I’m stuck and ready for it.

I don't know where this came from? I just sort of felt like writing something. So I wrote it.

When I was thinking of somebody.

No matter how many times I tuck you in
You always come back out
I try and die and try again
Each time you’re a little stronger
And I want you a little longer
Each time you lead me on, lead me on
And I grasp for your hand
But you always let go too fast.

(Start: Chorus)
If there was a star in the sky
That would make any wish come true
I’d only wish for you
If there was a fairy with wings
That granted any dream
I’d only dream of you.
(repeat)
(End: Chorus)

You’re stuck and you’re stung
I’m wounded and hurt
It’s a cycle repeated by necessity
The two compound matters being you and me
Understanding is a word you don’t comprehend
When all I want to do is lend a hand

(Chorus)

I guess I’ll just hang around
Till you realize what you’ve got
I guess I’ll just hang around
I hope to God I won’t be forgot
Lean on your shoulder one last time
I don’t tell you good bye
I tuck you in again
And hope to God you don’t come back out.

The chorus is cheesy as fuck and will be re-done when I can think of something less cheesy as fuck.

I blow out the candle, and the smoke which takes the place of the flames stings my nose as I take in a deep breath. It’s nothing like nicotine, but it helps take my mind of things for a few minutes. I wonder what will happen to me in the next few days, what I’m still doing up. I promised myself ten o’ clock; it’s now three in the morning. I haven’t said a word for hours, but it’s the way I like it. My throat feels dead, the beginning of what I can imagine is strep throat setting into the pores of my body, while hunger tolls my stomach. I feel horrible. I want nothing more than to hold you right now, or to be where we were Friday night, sitting with our elbows touching, my head on your shoulder, as I listened to your problems. I wish you told me all of your problems. I want to help you. I’m too afraid to tell you that I’ll always be there. I told him, but he doesn’t matter to me like you do. I want you to interlace your fingers with mine. I want him to stop talking to me, because I’m no longer interested. I want to be done with this. I want to grow up already, I want to tell you how I feel about this whole situation. I want to just stand up and kiss you and tell you how perfect you are, and how you don’t deserve to be treated like that, how you don’t deserve to be hurt. I want to tell you that I know how you feel and that I want you to be happy. But I can’t, because I’m not like that. I do not take chances, and I don’t tell people I love them. I don’t even know what love is. I don’t love you.

I love that song. "Total Eclipse of The Heart", by Bonnie Tyler. It's got to be one of my favorites.. ever.

I honestly don't know what I'm posting this about. I just wanted to say... I don't know.

I'm happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile. I've been sincerely happy since this summer. Sure, I've got my bad days, weeks. But now I've got this truly magical feeling going on. I don't need anyone but myself to feel this way, and you've got no clue how great it feels. But my point has nothing to do with that.

Over the last five years, I haven't been happy. I lost it, and I know why.

But I'm finally happy again. It's the best feeling in the entire world.

This is an AIM conversation 2 characters of mine had on a roleplay site I'm on, Andraste. It basically made me cry.

me = amityhorrorshow
my friend = ibleedtricolor

amityhorrorshow (7:21:54 PM): i decided i'm not mad at you anymore
Ibleedtricolor (7:22:06 PM): thank the fucking heavens
Ibleedtricolor (7:22:16 PM): lucy told me ur going with fuckin conners
amityhorrorshow (7:22:16 PM): however i don't want to hear you talk about kaisa or see you with kaisa or i might flip out
amityhorrorshow (7:22:19 PM): yeah
Ibleedtricolor (7:22:24 PM): whats that about
Ibleedtricolor (7:22:29 PM): u have it for him?
Ibleedtricolor (7:22:37 PM): alright, won't bring kaisa round
amityhorrorshow (7:23:05 PM): i needed a date
Ibleedtricolor (7:23:15 PM): that's all?
amityhorrorshow (7:23:21 PM): what do you think?
Ibleedtricolor (7:23:28 PM): well shit, I don't know
amityhorrorshow (7:23:33 PM): well maybe you should figure it out
amityhorrorshow (7:23:40 PM): i thought you had brains, quin
amityhorrorshow (7:23:43 PM): did i guess wrong?
amityhorrorshow (7:23:46 PM):
Ibleedtricolor (7:23:51 PM): dammit woman, just tell me straight
Ibleedtricolor (7:23:55 PM): do u like adam?
amityhorrorshow (7:23:58 PM): NO! then i would not be a woman
amityhorrorshow (7:24:03 PM): we're supposed to be mysterious entities
Ibleedtricolor (7:24:08 PM): fuck that
amityhorrorshow (7:24:10 PM): would you have a problem if i did?
Ibleedtricolor (7:24:19 PM): why would I have a problem
amityhorrorshow (7:24:24 PM): i dont know
amityhorrorshow (7:24:27 PM): he's your best friend
amityhorrorshow (7:24:33 PM): and we've been on and off together for years
amityhorrorshow (7:24:40 PM): and even though guys dont work the same as girls
amityhorrorshow (7:24:41 PM): maybe
Ibleedtricolor (7:25:06 PM): so u do like him
amityhorrorshow (7:25:15 PM): if that's what you think
amityhorrorshow (7:25:17 PM): go ahead and think it
amityhorrorshow (7:25:37 PM): do you like kaisa?
Ibleedtricolor (7:25:43 PM): no
amityhorrorshow (7:25:47 PM): i'll tell you if you tell me, honestly.
Ibleedtricolor (7:25:53 PM): did, just there
amityhorrorshow (7:25:57 PM): because i have a hard time believing that,
amityhorrorshow (7:26:00 PM): honestly.
Ibleedtricolor (7:26:15 PM): fuck u, amity, I'm not a fucking liar
amityhorrorshow (7:26:20 PM): it's not a lie
amityhorrorshow (7:26:22 PM): it's saving your ass
amityhorrorshow (7:26:26 PM): there's a difference
Ibleedtricolor (7:26:37 PM): saving my ass from what? u?
Ibleedtricolor (7:26:38 PM): ha
amityhorrorshow (7:26:41 PM): if i didn't want you to know i didn't like adam fucking conners then i wouldn't have known
amityhorrorshow (7:26:47 PM): no, you're saving your ass from anyone else knowing
amityhorrorshow (7:26:50 PM): big difference.
amityhorrorshow (7:26:56 PM): she's not your usual typ
Ibleedtricolor (7:26:56 PM): I don't like kaisa
amityhorrorshow (7:26:56 PM): e
amityhorrorshow (7:27:00 PM): she won't sleep with you on the bat.
Ibleedtricolor (7:27:05 PM): yeah, that's a usual type for a reason
amityhorrorshow (7:27:33 PM): she's nice.
amityhorrorshow (7:27:52 PM): if i didn't have a problem with her she and i would be friends, i think.
amityhorrorshow (7:27:58 PM): if only because her and viv are best friends
amityhorrorshow (7:28:00 PM): and so on.
Ibleedtricolor (7:28:19 PM): she is nice
Ibleedtricolor (7:28:22 PM): don't like her tho
Ibleedtricolor (7:28:25 PM): in that way
amityhorrorshow (7:28:35 PM): does adam know?
amityhorrorshow (7:28:46 PM): i wont tell if he doesn't
Ibleedtricolor (7:29:02 PM): does adam know what
Ibleedtricolor (7:29:08 PM): that u like him?
amityhorrorshow (7:29:32 PM): stop trying to change the subject
amityhorrorshow (7:29:41 PM): i don't care if he knows i like him
Ibleedtricolor (7:29:41 PM): what the fuck amity
amityhorrorshow (7:29:44 PM): anyway
Ibleedtricolor (7:29:46 PM): u DO like him
amityhorrorshow (7:29:47 PM): back to the point
Ibleedtricolor (7:29:54 PM): that is the fucking point!
amityhorrorshow (7:29:55 PM): do you have a problem with that?
Ibleedtricolor (7:30:07 PM): why the fuck would I have a fucking problem with it
Ibleedtricolor (7:30:15 PM): it's ur fucking vag do whatever the fuck u want with it
amityhorrorshow (7:30:16 PM): because you're cussing more than usual
Ibleedtricolor (7:30:23 PM): no I'm fucking well not
amityhorrorshow (7:30:40 PM): should i copy/paste what you just said?
amityhorrorshow (7:30:52 PM): within three not sentences you said fuck/ing at least
amityhorrorshow (7:30:57 PM): 5 times
amityhorrorshow (7:31:04 PM): usually you reserve it for one word a sentence
Ibleedtricolor (7:31:56 PM): who the fuck are you, my fucking english maven
amityhorrorshow (7:32:10 PM): what the fuck is up with the sudden hostility?
amityhorrorshow (7:32:11 PM): honestly
Ibleedtricolor (7:32:20 PM): WHAT THE FUCK
Ibleedtricolor (7:32:22 PM): YOU WOMEN
amityhorrorshow (7:32:30 PM): okay
Ibleedtricolor (7:32:31 PM): JUMP THE FUCK ALL OVER ME ABOUT WHO I WANT TO FUCKING TAKE TO THE FUCKING DANCE
amityhorrorshow (7:32:31 PM): calm down
amityhorrorshow (7:32:37 PM): OH WHAT
amityhorrorshow (7:32:39 PM): I SAID I WASNT MAD
amityhorrorshow (7:32:44 PM): WHAT DID I DO!
Ibleedtricolor (7:32:46 PM): AND NOW YOU'RE LIKE, FUCKING WHATEVER, I FUCKING WANT TO FUCK UR BEST MATE
amityhorrorshow (7:32:48 PM): I WAS ASKING IF YOU LIKED HER
amityhorrorshow (7:32:53 PM): OH GOD.
Ibleedtricolor (7:32:55 PM): fuck u, amity
amityhorrorshow (7:33:09 PM): adam, i think you need some ice cream and a good movie.
amityhorrorshow (7:33:12 PM): ...shit.
amityhorrorshow (7:33:14 PM): i just called you adam.
amityhorrorshow (7:33:16 PM): HAHAA.
amityhorrorshow (7:33:42 PM): i'm sorry
amityhorrorshow (7:33:44 PM): you're cillian
amityhorrorshow (7:33:45 PM): i love you.
Ibleedtricolor (7:33:53 PM): whatever, amity, shut the fuck up
amityhorrorshow (7:33:59 PM): okay.
amityhorrorshow (7:34:02 PM): thanks a lot, cill.
Ibleedtricolor (7:34:05 PM): have a grand fucking time of it
amityhorrorshow (7:34:11 PM): you're a fucking grand mate.
Ibleedtricolor (7:34:20 PM): when adam fucking screws u over, don't come fucking crying to me about it
amityhorrorshow (7:34:29 PM): what is your PROBLEM?
amityhorrorshow (7:34:32 PM): honestly
Ibleedtricolor (7:34:50 PM): I don't get u
amityhorrorshow (7:34:54 PM): i dont get YOU.
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:01 PM): one minute ur after my throat, and the next ur fucking DONE with me
amityhorrorshow (7:35:03 PM): i don't see why you can't be honest with me for one second.
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:05 PM): just fucking make up ur fucking mind
amityhorrorshow (7:35:08 PM): are you jealous or something?
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:17 PM): i'm ALWAYS FUCKING HONEST WITH U
amityhorrorshow (7:35:23 PM): i wouldn't be going to the dance with him if you hadn't asked kaisa.
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:23 PM): JEALOUS
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:30 PM): WHAT THE FUCK
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:42 PM): u could have gone with ANYONE in the fucking school amity
amityhorrorshow (7:35:44 PM): he said he'd go with me because i didn't have a date and he didn't want to go with the cow.
Ibleedtricolor (7:35:47 PM): like any fucking guy would have turned u down
amityhorrorshow (7:35:54 PM): yeah, they would've
Ibleedtricolor (7:36:02 PM): no they fucking wouldn't
Ibleedtricolor (7:36:03 PM): jesus christ
amityhorrorshow (7:36:09 PM): plus i don't feel comfortable around anyone else.
amityhorrorshow (7:36:14 PM): it's you and adam.
amityhorrorshow (7:36:22 PM): and pat, but he doesn't count because whatever.
amityhorrorshow (7:36:42 PM): do you think there is a reason behind the fact that i don't hang out with anyone else besides you guys?
Ibleedtricolor (7:36:56 PM): thought u hung out with me
Ibleedtricolor (7:37:00 PM): and adam's just my fucking mate
Ibleedtricolor (7:37:04 PM): but obviously I was wrong
amityhorrorshow (7:37:11 PM): oh god.
amityhorrorshow (7:37:26 PM): i've been hanging out with the two of you since we were eleven.
amityhorrorshow (7:37:44 PM): you honeslty think that adam and i were just goin to stay friends-through-another-friend after seven years?
Ibleedtricolor (7:38:03 PM): well I'm fucking stupid, u already pointed that out
Ibleedtricolor (7:38:06 PM): good on u
amityhorrorshow (7:38:14 PM): i wasn't calling you stupid
amityhorrorshow (7:38:16 PM): when did i do that?
amityhorrorshow (7:38:20 PM): besides when i was mad at you?
Ibleedtricolor (7:38:26 PM): when the fuck are you NOT mad at me
amityhorrorshow (7:38:30 PM): right now.
amityhorrorshow (7:38:36 PM): i'm not mad at you right now.
Ibleedtricolor (7:38:38 PM): christ
Ibleedtricolor (7:38:47 PM): I don't know what the fuck u want from me
amityhorrorshow (7:38:50 PM): i'm just having a problem understanding what you're not telling me.
amityhorrorshow (7:39:01 PM): i dont know what the fuck you're tryin to tell me,
Ibleedtricolor (7:39:14 PM): i'm not fuckin telling u anything
Ibleedtricolor (7:39:29 PM): u want to fucking go with adam, fucking go with adam, I don't give a fucking fuck
amityhorrorshow (7:40:16 PM): i wanted to go with you.
Ibleedtricolor (7:41:27 PM): I know
Ibleedtricolor (7:41:30 PM): now anyway
Ibleedtricolor (7:41:50 PM): kaisa needed a date tho, and I didn't think u cared
Ibleedtricolor (7:42:03 PM): didn't think ud actually go for fucking conners
Ibleedtricolor (7:42:07 PM): isn't he kind of violent for u
amityhorrorshow (7:42:36 PM): isn't kaisa kind of innocent for you?
Ibleedtricolor (7:42:47 PM): jesus, I told u, I don't like her like that
Ibleedtricolor (7:42:51 PM): what the hell do u think I'm gonna do
amityhorrorshow (7:42:56 PM): I DONT KNOW!
Ibleedtricolor (7:43:38 PM): it's just a fucking dance
amityhorrorshow (7:43:55 PM): exactly
amityhorrorshow (7:43:57 PM): it's a fucking dance.
Ibleedtricolor (7:44:45 PM): not if u like adam
Ibleedtricolor (7:44:56 PM): it's not just a dance if u fucking like adam, amity
amityhorrorshow (7:45:09 PM): it's not like anything is going to come from it!
Ibleedtricolor (7:45:25 PM): have u MET adam?
amityhorrorshow (7:45:50 PM): okay so maybe something might come from it
amityhorrorshow (7:45:56 PM): but the point i'm trying to make is the fact that
amityhorrorshow (7:45:58 PM): actually
amityhorrorshow (7:46:03 PM): you're being a hypocrite
amityhorrorshow (7:46:07 PM): and that is the point i'm trying to make
amityhorrorshow (7:46:17 PM): AND HE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND.
Ibleedtricolor (7:46:23 PM): how the fuck am I a hypocrite
amityhorrorshow (7:46:39 PM): do you do this to me when other people are talking about me?
amityhorrorshow (7:46:41 PM): jesus
Ibleedtricolor (7:46:49 PM): no, ur a girl
amityhorrorshow (7:46:52 PM): BECAUSE YOU LIKE KAISA AND YOU WON'T FUCKING ADMIT IT.
Ibleedtricolor (7:46:55 PM): adam's a fucking prick he can take it
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:00 PM): I
amityhorrorshow (7:47:01 PM): IF YOU WOULD JUST ADMIT IT I'D DRO THIS
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:02 PM): DON'T
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:03 PM): FUCKING
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:03 PM): LIKE
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:04 PM): KAISA
amityhorrorshow (7:47:06 PM): YOU DO
amityhorrorshow (7:47:09 PM): YOU FUCKING LIKE HER
amityhorrorshow (7:47:12 PM): AND YOU DONT KNOW WHY
amityhorrorshow (7:47:15 PM): AND YOU WONT TELL ME
amityhorrorshow (7:47:18 PM): BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHY
amityhorrorshow (7:47:26 PM): AND BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:30 PM): what the fuck would u know about it
amityhorrorshow (7:47:35 PM): AND YOU DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO KNOW
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:38 PM): u don't know fucking ANYTHING about me
Ibleedtricolor (7:47:39 PM): fuck u
amityhorrorshow (7:47:42 PM): because i feel the same exact way about adam
amityhorrorshow (7:47:54 PM): and i know you better than a shitload of people, you fuck.
Ibleedtricolor (7:48:10 PM): U DON'T KNOW SHIT
amityhorrorshow (7:48:26 PM): and for some reason i am still not mad at you.
Ibleedtricolor (7:48:40 PM): don't act like u fucking know me, amity, because u fucking don't
amityhorrorshow (7:48:51 PM): then who knows you, cillian?
amityhorrorshow (7:48:53 PM): honestly
Ibleedtricolor (7:48:54 PM): u don't have a fucking clue how I fucking feel
amityhorrorshow (7:49:00 PM): after spending seven years with you
amityhorrorshow (7:49:05 PM): half of them in a relationship with you
amityhorrorshow (7:49:08 PM): i have no clue who could know you
amityhorrorshow (7:49:16 PM): if you told me maybe i would know
Ibleedtricolor (7:49:44 PM): perdita knows me
amityhorrorshow (7:49:53 PM): perdita has your fucking mind linked to hers
Ibleedtricolor (7:49:55 PM): don't need anyone else
amityhorrorshow (7:49:57 PM): of course she knows you
amityhorrorshow (7:50:01 PM): you will one day.
amityhorrorshow (7:50:04 PM): you needed me once.
amityhorrorshow (7:50:06 PM): i still need you.
Ibleedtricolor (7:50:27 PM): I know u do
Ibleedtricolor (7:50:30 PM): everybody fucking does
Ibleedtricolor (7:50:38 PM): but damn it, amity
Ibleedtricolor (7:50:41 PM): u don't know
amityhorrorshow (7:50:46 PM): if you TOLD me i would!
amityhorrorshow (7:50:50 PM): i can't just do this anymore
amityhorrorshow (7:50:53 PM): i'm not a mind sag
amityhorrorshow (7:50:54 PM): e
Ibleedtricolor (7:50:56 PM): I'm not a fucking PUSSY
amityhorrorshow (7:50:58 PM): you've got to tell me
amityhorrorshow (7:51:06 PM): YOU ARE NOT A PUSSY FOR TELLING ME HOW YOU FUCKING FEEL.
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:06 PM): Not everyone has to go around fucking talking about their fucking feelings
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:09 PM): what the fuck does that help
amityhorrorshow (7:51:16 PM): you'll explode otherwise
amityhorrorshow (7:51:18 PM): you'll flip.
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:26 PM): fucking won't
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:28 PM): made it this far
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:35 PM): adam's the exploding one
amityhorrorshow (7:51:36 PM): and your fuse has bin lit
Ibleedtricolor (7:51:38 PM): met him recently?
amityhorrorshow (7:51:47 PM): fuck conners.
amityhorrorshow (7:51:50 PM): i want to talk to you
amityhorrorshow (7:51:54 PM): i want to talk about you
amityhorrorshow (7:52:00 PM): and i want you to talk to me
amityhorrorshow (7:52:11 PM): but this communication thing is not working out
Ibleedtricolor (7:52:31 PM): this is me, talking to u
Ibleedtricolor (7:52:33 PM): what do u want
amityhorrorshow (7:52:43 PM): i want you to stop pretending already
amityhorrorshow (7:52:48 PM): and just tell me what the fuck is wrong.
Ibleedtricolor (7:53:37 PM): nothing is fucking wrong
Ibleedtricolor (7:53:47 PM): I don't want u to fucking fuck conners
Ibleedtricolor (7:53:52 PM): is that a fucking crime
amityhorrorshow (7:53:53 PM): i dont want to fuck conners
Ibleedtricolor (7:53:56 PM): bullshit
amityhorrorshow (7:53:59 PM): i LIKE conners
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:00 PM): u just said u fucking like him
amityhorrorshow (7:54:02 PM): doesnt mean i want to fuck him
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:06 PM): well I don't want u to LIKE him
amityhorrorshow (7:54:09 PM): there are two differences
amityhorrorshow (7:54:11 PM): why the fuck not
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:17 PM): HE'S MY BEST MATE, AMITY
amityhorrorshow (7:54:27 PM): WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
amityhorrorshow (7:54:32 PM): you obviously don't want to be with me
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:39 PM): did I ever fucking say that
amityhorrorshow (7:54:45 PM): so then what the fuck am i supposed to do?
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:53 PM): I don't care
amityhorrorshow (7:54:54 PM): i don't want to be alone
Ibleedtricolor (7:54:54 PM): just not adam
amityhorrorshow (7:55:04 PM): why not adam.
amityhorrorshow (7:55:10 PM): just tell me why.
Ibleedtricolor (7:55:16 PM): because
Ibleedtricolor (7:55:17 PM): fucking hell
amityhorrorshow (7:55:27 PM): i need a better reason than because
Ibleedtricolor (7:55:47 PM): I don't want to share EVERYTHING with fucking adam
Ibleedtricolor (7:55:56 PM): can't I just have one thing to myself
Ibleedtricolor (7:55:59 PM): just one fucking thing
Ibleedtricolor (7:56:08 PM): everything else in the fucking world has to be about every other fucking person
amityhorrorshow (7:56:49 PM): i don't want to share you, either.
amityhorrorshow (7:56:59 PM): what the fuck am i supposed to do when all you do is go and sleep with other girls
Ibleedtricolor (7:57:17 PM): u never cared before
amityhorrorshow (7:57:18 PM): and then go to dances with other girls
amityhorrorshow (7:57:24 PM): i never cared?
Ibleedtricolor (7:57:25 PM): dammit, that's different
amityhorrorshow (7:57:28 PM): I ALWAYS CARED.
amityhorrorshow (7:57:44 PM): i just didn't say anything because
amityhorrorshow (7:57:47 PM): if we aren't dating
amityhorrorshow (7:57:50 PM): it's not my place to say it.
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:05 PM): we're not dating, but adam's always my mate
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:10 PM): why can't u like anyone else
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:21 PM): why does it have to be us
amityhorrorshow (7:58:24 PM): because he's as close to you as i can get.
amityhorrorshow (7:58:31 PM): who do you mean by us?
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:41 PM): me and the lads
amityhorrorshow (7:58:49 PM): well you started it
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:55 PM): ...
Ibleedtricolor (7:58:57 PM): ur fucking kidding me
amityhorrorshow (7:58:59 PM): if it wasn't for you and your damn accent.
amityhorrorshow (7:59:07 PM): and you had to talk to me back in fucking first year
Ibleedtricolor (7:59:11 PM): oh fuck don't give me that shit
amityhorrorshow (7:59:12 PM): this wouldn't be happening right now
Ibleedtricolor (7:59:17 PM): everyone ELSE has a fucking accent, not me
amityhorrorshow (7:59:18 PM): i'm just saying
amityhorrorshow (7:59:25 PM): i mean in the familiar way
amityhorrorshow (7:59:32 PM): you had to go and talk to me first
Ibleedtricolor (7:59:46 PM): u talked back
amityhorrorshow (7:59:56 PM): what am i supposed to do, ignore you?
amityhorrorshow (8:00:07 PM): i was SEVEN
amityhorrorshow (8:00:10 PM): of course i talked back
amityhorrorshow (8:00:14 PM): i didn't know what else to do
amityhorrorshow (8:00:37 PM): it's not like a regret it
Ibleedtricolor (8:01:07 PM): don't like adam
Ibleedtricolor (8:01:09 PM): please
amityhorrorshow (8:01:44 PM): that's about as good as telling you to not like kaisa.
Ibleedtricolor (8:01:52 PM): I don't like kaisa
Ibleedtricolor (8:01:57 PM): how many fucking times do I have to say
amityhorrorshow (8:01:59 PM): just stop denying it already
Ibleedtricolor (8:02:00 PM): kaisa doesn't mean SHIT to me
amityhorrorshow (8:02:08 PM): what if i told her that?
Ibleedtricolor (8:02:25 PM): u'd be a cunt?
amityhorrorshow (8:02:30 PM): you would never talk to me again,
amityhorrorshow (8:02:33 PM): because it's not true.
amityhorrorshow (8:02:44 PM): i don't see why you lie to me
amityhorrorshow (8:02:48 PM): you don't like to anyone else.
Ibleedtricolor (8:02:48 PM): just because I don't like her doesn't mean I'm going to be an arse to her
amityhorrorshow (8:02:57 PM): lie*
Ibleedtricolor (8:03:01 PM): I'm not lying
Ibleedtricolor (8:03:05 PM): why won't u believe me
amityhorrorshow (8:03:17 PM): because i know when you like someone.
Ibleedtricolor (8:03:23 PM): oh obviously
amityhorrorshow (8:03:26 PM): i know it just as well as you do.
Ibleedtricolor (8:03:31 PM): that's why ur going with fucking conners
amityhorrorshow (8:03:57 PM): ...what?
Ibleedtricolor (8:04:08 PM): nothing, nevermind
amityhorrorshow (8:04:17 PM): cillian.
amityhorrorshow (8:04:22 PM): you make absolutely no sense to me.
Ibleedtricolor (8:04:30 PM): I get that a lot
Ibleedtricolor (8:04:50 PM): come on amity
Ibleedtricolor (8:04:58 PM): all I want is for u to not like adam
amityhorrorshow (8:05:00 PM): what do you want me to say, cillian?
amityhorrorshow (8:05:22 PM): all i wanted was you, and that never works out
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:07 PM): that's not my fault
amityhorrorshow (8:06:16 PM): and it was mine?
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:23 PM): no that's not what I meant
amityhorrorshow (8:06:26 PM): did i not make it obvious enough?
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:34 PM): amity
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:36 PM): shut the fuck up
amityhorrorshow (8:06:38 PM): did i not make myself the perfect damsel in distress for once?
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:40 PM): I'm trying to tell u something
amityhorrorshow (8:06:42 PM): did i not do what you wanted?
amityhorrorshow (8:06:44 PM): then tell me.
amityhorrorshow (8:06:49 PM): please, just tell me.
Ibleedtricolor (8:06:57 PM): look, I've got a lot to worry about, alright
amityhorrorshow (8:07:24 PM): is that it?
amityhorrorshow (8:07:35 PM): are you not going to tell me what is going on?
Ibleedtricolor (8:07:52 PM): I can't
amityhorrorshow (8:07:58 PM): are you just going to leave me hanging?
amityhorrorshow (8:08:08 PM): i should expect this by now.
Ibleedtricolor (8:08:44 PM): jesus amity
Ibleedtricolor (8:08:48 PM): I'm doing the best that I can
amityhorrorshow (8:08:54 PM): i know you are.
amityhorrorshow (8:12:08 PM): cillian, let me help you. please.
Ibleedtricolor (8:12:37 PM): I don't need help
Ibleedtricolor (8:12:41 PM): just don't like adam
Ibleedtricolor (8:12:49 PM): anybody, amity, anybody else
Ibleedtricolor (8:12:51 PM): jesus
Ibleedtricolor (8:13:01 PM): except for pat that'd be fucking awkward as well
amityhorrorshow (8:13:03 PM): you have no idea how much you're asking of me right now.
amityhorrorshow (8:13:07 PM): pat's a douche
amityhorrorshow (8:13:10 PM): and i already slept with him anyway
Ibleedtricolor (8:13:30 PM): aw fuck, did u have to tell me that?
amityhorrorshow (8:13:32 PM): you're fucking me over either way
amityhorrorshow (8:13:36 PM): didn't you know that? xD
Ibleedtricolor (8:13:47 PM): what do u think we do, sit around and discuss fucking relationships?
amityhorrorshow (8:13:57 PM): i was thinking more along the lines of who you slept with
Ibleedtricolor (8:14:00 PM): nah
Ibleedtricolor (8:14:02 PM): we just hit shit
amityhorrorshow (8:14:08 PM): hahaha.
Ibleedtricolor (8:14:11 PM): sometimes look at cars
Ibleedtricolor (8:14:28 PM): well, conners knows who I've shagged
amityhorrorshow (8:14:40 PM): yeah, please keep that private.
Ibleedtricolor (8:14:51 PM): what, the pat bit?
amityhorrorshow (8:15:06 PM): no
amityhorrorshow (8:15:10 PM): the who you've shagged.
Ibleedtricolor (8:15:18 PM): amity, he already knows
Ibleedtricolor (8:15:26 PM): we're best mates
Ibleedtricolor (8:15:54 PM): why wouldn't he know, we fucking dated didn't we
Ibleedtricolor (8:15:57 PM): GOD
Ibleedtricolor (8:16:12 PM): U DON'T WANT CONNERS TO KNOW WE'VE HAD SEX?
Ibleedtricolor (8:16:23 PM): FUCK U, AMITY
Ibleedtricolor (8:16:25 PM): JESUS
amityhorrorshow (8:16:36 PM): I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT
amityhorrorshow (8:16:38 PM): i mean
amityhorrorshow (8:16:41 PM): please don't tell me.
Ibleedtricolor (8:17:00 PM): oh.
Ibleedtricolor (8:17:05 PM): well shit
Ibleedtricolor (8:17:23 PM): sorry
amityhorrorshow (8:17:27 PM): i don't care if the whole world knows i slept with you, honestly.
amityhorrorshow (8:17:31 PM): i'm sure most people know anymore.
Ibleedtricolor (8:17:53 PM): I might have told a few people
Ibleedtricolor (8:17:54 PM): maybe
amityhorrorshow (8:18:19 PM): i don't give a shit.
amityhorrorshow (8:18:40 PM): i just don't want to know anyone else you've slept with that you haven't already told me about
Ibleedtricolor (8:18:56 PM): I won't
Ibleedtricolor (8:19:06 PM): I didn't sleep with kaisa if that's what ur worried about
Ibleedtricolor (8:19:08 PM): I wouldn't
Ibleedtricolor (8:21:50 PM): amity
amityhorrorshow (8:21:59 PM): what?
Ibleedtricolor (8:22:01 PM): I would never want to hurt u
Ibleedtricolor (8:22:03 PM): u know that right
amityhorrorshow (8:22:36 PM): you've done it multiple times before, cillian. i'm used to it now. plus, you have other things to worry about. i can take care of myself. i'm tougher than that, remember?
Ibleedtricolor (8:23:06 PM): I don't mean to hurt u
Ibleedtricolor (8:23:07 PM): ever
Ibleedtricolor (8:23:17 PM): I know ur tough, that's why I love u
amityhorrorshow (8:23:31 PM): you don't mean to, i know that.
Ibleedtricolor (8:24:06 PM): I mean, ur my lass
amityhorrorshow (8:24:50 PM): i know.
amityhorrorshow (8:49:12 PM): you know, cillian, i can't wait for you forever.
Ibleedtricolor (8:49:28 PM): don't wait for me
Ibleedtricolor (8:49:35 PM): just, god, not adam
Ibleedtricolor (8:49:37 PM): come on
Ibleedtricolor (8:49:42 PM): there are plenty of other assholes at andraste
amityhorrorshow (8:49:58 PM): i dont want any other assholes.
amityhorrorshow (8:50:10 PM): have you not figured out by now that i am more stubborn than that?
Ibleedtricolor (8:50:21 PM): god why adam
Ibleedtricolor (8:50:30 PM): he's a tosser
amityhorrorshow (8:50:30 PM): i have repeated this multiple times
amityhorrorshow (8:50:39 PM): well you know what
amityhorrorshow (8:50:41 PM): you are too.
Ibleedtricolor (8:50:43 PM): u can say it all fucking day and I won't get it
Ibleedtricolor (8:50:47 PM): well fuck
Ibleedtricolor (8:50:49 PM): not like adam
amityhorrorshow (8:50:49 PM): it's not just me and it's not just him
Ibleedtricolor (8:51:16 PM): come on, adam's a bloody bogger
amityhorrorshow (8:51:25 PM): will you stop trying to talk me out of this already?
amityhorrorshow (8:51:30 PM): nothing you say will work.
amityhorrorshow (8:51:37 PM): at least not over some fucking internet connection.
Ibleedtricolor (8:51:46 PM): ur the one that made me get this damn thin
Ibleedtricolor (8:51:48 PM): thing
amityhorrorshow (8:51:52 PM): true
amityhorrorshow (8:52:02 PM): but that's not what i mean and you know it
Ibleedtricolor (8:52:14 PM): well shit
Ibleedtricolor (8:52:22 PM): do what u fucking want
amityhorrorshow (8:52:24 PM): generally.
Ibleedtricolor (8:52:32 PM): don't give a damn anyway
amityhorrorshow (8:52:46 PM): you know exactly what i want because i've made it clear and obvious and you're not going to give it to me either way
amityhorrorshow (8:52:52 PM): it's a lose/lose situation for me
Ibleedtricolor (8:52:57 PM): what do u want
amityhorrorshow (8:52:59 PM): and i dont care anymore.
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:00 PM): I don't know what u want
amityhorrorshow (8:53:02 PM): i want YOU.
amityhorrorshow (8:53:06 PM): but i am not going to get you
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:08 PM): NOW u want me
amityhorrorshow (8:53:10 PM): not right now at least
amityhorrorshow (8:53:16 PM): what do you think i wanted the other night?
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:29 PM): I just thought u were fucking jealous, I don't know
amityhorrorshow (8:53:30 PM): what do you think i've wanted for months, for years, since the fucking day i started talking to you?
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:32 PM): kyra gets like that too
amityhorrorshow (8:53:39 PM): kyra's a possessive bitch!
amityhorrorshow (8:53:42 PM): there is a difference
amityhorrorshow (8:53:46 PM): a definite difference!
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:46 PM): really
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:52 PM): well how the fuck would I know that
Ibleedtricolor (8:53:55 PM): fucking women
amityhorrorshow (8:54:02 PM): will you just stop already?
amityhorrorshow (8:54:05 PM): just STOP.
amityhorrorshow (8:54:07 PM): please.
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:14 PM): WHAT
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:20 PM): are u going to come scream at me again
amityhorrorshow (8:54:23 PM): no.
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:27 PM): jesus
amityhorrorshow (8:54:28 PM): i can't scream at you anymore
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:29 PM): good
amityhorrorshow (8:54:32 PM): because it does not get the point across
amityhorrorshow (8:54:39 PM): it doesn't do anything but kill my vocal cords
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:42 PM): what are u talking about
amityhorrorshow (8:54:44 PM): and make everything worse.
Ibleedtricolor (8:54:52 PM): u don't like kaisa, I got that
amityhorrorshow (8:54:54 PM): just stop. do whatever you want.
amityhorrorshow (8:55:06 PM): just stop trying to make me do whatever you want me to.
amityhorrorshow (8:55:12 PM): i want you, you know that.
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:13 PM): what the hell
amityhorrorshow (8:55:14 PM): but i can't have you
amityhorrorshow (8:55:18 PM): and i know that
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:25 PM): what are u talking about, mad woman
amityhorrorshow (8:55:26 PM): and i like adam.
amityhorrorshow (8:55:32 PM): you are not going to talk me out of this.
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:40 PM): GO ON, THEN
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:42 PM): FUCKING LIKE ADAM
amityhorrorshow (8:55:47 PM): I ALREADY AM.
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:50 PM): GOOD
Ibleedtricolor (8:55:55 PM): DON'T GIVE A FUCKING FUCK
amityhorrorshow (8:56:03 PM): i understand that, cillian
Ibleedtricolor (8:56:04 PM): MARRY HIM FOR ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE
amityhorrorshow (8:56:12 PM): you've made it more obvious than anything else so far
Ibleedtricolor (8:56:15 PM): MISSUS AMITY FUCKING CONNERS
Ibleedtricolor (8:56:17 PM): bugger off
amityhorrorshow (8:56:22 PM): what do you want me do, cillian?
Ibleedtricolor (8:56:24 PM): I'm leaving
Ibleedtricolor (8:56:26 PM): bye
amityhorrorshow (8:56:31 PM): cillian... dont.
*cillian logs off here
amityhorrorshow (8:57:48 PM): cillian, i love you.

I've had the best fucking night ever.

Well, it's in the top like, 10. And it's honestly hard to get in there. A night of Rock Band, Easton, sarcasm, jokes, and "Futbal Americano" (and videos of Pearl being raped by me and Michelle), it was so definitely worth it. I am so glad I went. I wish I could've stayed longer, but it would've been fail without Pearl. Plus I cannot stop listening to The Offspring. Which is A-Okay with me.

I don't really know what I want to say.
I just want to remember this night one day soon when I need to.
:)

I've been listening to "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron & Wine since I got home from school. It's in the prom scene of Twilight. I'm in love with it right now, just like I am that movie. Holy shit.

Just thinking about this makes me feel so lonely, you have no clue. I don't really think anyone reads these things, but whatever. I'm always in a weird mood, like I was telling Rachel earlier. But this is one of those... sadder moods. I guess it's because I'm getting over some drama with Pearl. I'm really glad that's all cleared up, I was so scared. I couldn't stand to lose her, and she's just so... she's always there. Always, even if she doesn't listen half the time. She's that one person who'll stand by whenever I need her just because she can and because I want her to, even if she doesn't know that. But she will. I love her so much for it. I wish she trusted me like I do her, because I know that I'd be the best friend I could possibly be. I wish she would understand that opening up doesn't necessarily mean getting hurt; that it just means letting yourself be open to the fact. I wish she would. I would never let anyone or anything hurt her, and if I did, well I'd pull out my whoop-ass can. Ask Kailiegh, I pull out on mad can.

Anyway.

This song is making me wish I had a boyfriend. And we all know Renee, she can't just have a boyfriend, she's got to have mother freaking Easton or whoever her crush of the week is.

Why the hell am I so confusing? I don't really care, honestly, it's just the fact that I don't want this for myself. I just want to be able to say, "good morning Easton" talk about his drive to school or his morning like we do most days, and then say, "oh, by the way, I like you and have for awhile." But at the same time, I know that I don't like him that much. It's more or less the idea of him. Because I'm afraid. I'm always, always, so afraid. I can't wait for the day I'm not. But the day I'm not will be the day I say something - and that won't be happening anytime soon, I assure you.

I'm definitely more like Jo. She's got that fiery side to her that Amy didn't have; sure, Amy could whine a bit and get whatever she wanted by someone giving to her her, but Jo went out there and got what she wanted. And she also only wanted what she needed, and was sure to make sure that she got it. Amy just wanted everything she wasn't supposed to have. There's one crazy gap in between the girls, even though they're sisters. If there was going to be a catfight, Jo would in, no doubt.

:)

Five pounds can do a lot to a person.
I'm going to stop eating bagels in the morning. No more breads.
I'll eat celery and honey and peanut butter in the mornings.
And at lunch I'll bring an orange or an apple.
I'm pissed.

I'm so mad at myself.
I've been trying to lose weight for months now.
And instead I gain five pounds. I'm one pound away from being overweight for my height & age group. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, my body.

I wish I had someone else's.

Just a test for now, with some example icons that'll be in my first icon post.

DOES IT WORK?

Yeah. Like, so tired, it hurts.
I can see the bags under my eyes. I have no idea why I'm so tired.
About to work on my first set of icons. :)